Jump on in. The water is fine...

It begins here, at a random point in time...

Did you hear the Call?
Did you see the Light?
Did you feel the warm embrace that says you'll be alright?

I wrote those words about 5 years ago, lyrics to a song called "Above Ground". I called the song my "celebration of gratitude" after a half dozen years of sobriety, and a return to music after more than a decade that was utterly void of my gift of music.

I was not aware at that time how far I was yet to travel, how much I would grow, and how much those words would mean to me today. You see, today I AM hearing The Call, and let me tell you God's call does not resemble the call of the world in any way shape or form. It is hard to describe, but maybe a quote from a book that inspired me can give you an idea of what my particular call sounds like:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
From "Wild At Heart", by John Eldredge.

I spent a good portion of the last few years lost in the wilderness because I believe was asking the wrong question. My question was, "What is my place in the world?" I never did find my place in the world, and I believe now it is because I am not of this world. At a retreat I went to last April, God helped me to rephrase my question. The question is now, "What is my place in Jesus?" The answer to that question suddenly began to answer a dozen other questions.

This idea of doing what makes me come alive had never occurred to me, ever. The idea of being a rock star for example was quickly crushed by the world by the time I was in my 20s. Pursuing ones dreams is not a responsible lifestyle. Furthermore, the pursuit of what makes me come alive in my case would certainly be contrary to what the world would tell me is responsible behavior at this stage in my life. At the age of 46, doing what truly makes me come alive is out of the question. Think about it. What I love most are two things: Music and Counseling. With this Blog we add a third thing that I love (well, a gift) that I had not considered before now: Writing. No one is is going to pay me to do the things I love most. I don't think doing what makes me come alive is tax deductible either.

This all leaves me at a fascinating sort of crossroads. Two very distinctive, albeit conflicting 'calls' come through very clearly, yet one is far more inviting than the other.

The call of the world sounds like this: "Ron, you have to work at a job you don't like, doing work that kills your spirit slowly, a place where you sell your soul for a buck, and give away what precious little time you have on Earth. What you need is money, but how you get it, nor the cost of your spirit to acquire it, means nothing. All of your needs will be met as long as you have money..."

The call of God, which came over the summer, went something like this: "Hey Ron, how would you like to do what you love best? You shine the Light, and I, The Lord your God, will supply all of your needs through Christ, et al..."

*Gasp*

Some of you already know which call I decided to answer.  If you didn't know before now, you can probably tell by the content of this blog...

Last weekend I played with my secular band on Saturday night, and the church band on Sunday morning. I am playing music with joy in my heart. I have begun a paperwork process that will allow me to volunteer as a counselor at the City Union Mission. I am excited about a chance to help people again through counseling, or even better yet, a chance to be a "fisher of men". I am writing whatever my head and heart pour out, well, what you are reading now. It is kind of fun typing out the stream of consciousness flowing through my head.

I am at peace, real peace. I am filled with joy and hope for something that God has not revealed specifically, but the taste of His Spirit has indicated that when His Will is rolling full force in my life... wow, I can't even finish the sentence. Something very BIG is coming, from Jesus, not so much for me, but I get front row seats as it all unfolds in my life.

Today I have been in touch with a home loan lender, debtors, random companies to pay bills, and credit bureaus to clear up old records. I sent an application for yet another job I won't get. Yet with mounting debt, continuing unemployment, bills and rent to pay, I am taking time out to write my random thoughts. In spite of what the world would regard as proper income, the needs of my family and I have been sustained. Hillcrest Church has been God's main contributor; I sometimes think I don't deserve their generosity. Yet, they are saying the same thing that God has been telling me, "Keep doing what you are doing, keep doing what you love".

Dan said, "Come on let's play some music..."
Mary said, "Ron, check out City Union Mission, maybe you can give your gift of counseling there.  There are also some new 12 Step programs starting up through the church..."
Lee said, "Ron, you have quite a talent for writing. Write..."

And through it all God says, "Let not your heart be troubled..."

This is still too fantastic to wrap my carnal mind around. Am I to spend the rest of my life doing what I love? I have to admit it has been an amazing year so far. I am living in the middle of a spirit fueled opportunity to pursue the things I love dearly. And so far, it appears that as I do what I love, the people around me appear to get excited, happy, inspired. These gifts I have been given seem to be designed to cause a Light to shine. The real adventure is that I don't know exactly where all of this leads, what these gifts will look like a month, a year, 10 years from now. I honestly have no idea what the end product will look like.

This is not to say that I will not also experience the trials of this life as I pursue this walk of faith. Jesus called us to shine the Light, be the salt of the Earth, to spread the Good News. We are also told that all who follow Him are subject to guidance and chastisement, the aforementioned trials of life, and as a bonus we are regularly bombarded with attacks from an unseen enemy. My year so far has been fraught with hardships of almost every kind including death, hospitals, courts, financial instability, depression, illness; I could go on and on. None of these trials, however, have been able to derail my walk with God, or cause me to stop sharing my gifts. Through (and in spite of) these hardships I have found new found wisdom, growth, change, dozens of new friends. We may be on to something here.


Before I wrap up this post, I suppose I should share a little of what coming alive has been like. It has not been as easy as one might think.  One might think doing what you love would just magically transform life into some Utopian haven. Life on Earth doesn't work that way, even if you are happy.  Add to that the fact that I am sometimes undisciplined (old habits are hard to break), and what you get is one bumpy ride.

My more immediate short term calling is focused on training in several areas as I prepare for what is next. My family gave me The Karate Kid for Christmas last year (why I didn't know at the time, and they didn't know either I am sure). A few months later, and not knowing that I had just gotten the movie, Mary quoted the movie when speaking of the training God is guiding me through. "Wax on. Wax off" was the line she quoted. After she said that, I just had to watch the cheesy 80s flick; not a movie I really wanted to see again. Grudgingly, I watched the movie (it was as cheesy as I remembered).  But ever since then, 'Wax on Wax off' has been my motto for 2009...

Here is the Training Regimen as I understand it so far:

• For the big picture, there is Spiritual Training, learning how to live a life of faith. Reading the bible and other inspirational / educational materials certainly expands the knowledge base for me in this area. Prayer is big, coupled with learning how to pray. God knows me completely, but how well do I really know Him? I won't know until I spend more time with Him. Community involvement, friends, relationships seem to be the windows to Heaven itself. I cannot see anything of substance without input and feedback from people who share in the remarkable experience we call "life". God speaks in many ways, but it has been my experience that His preference is to use other people most often (as opposed to donkeys and burning bushes).
  

• For music, I need to practice. I am pretty good, but not nearly as good as I would like to be.  Practicing has been hard because I haven't been motivated or inspired. My band, Local Stranger, has been a failure for the most part. One band member or another has ruined most of our shows due to drunkenness. After a train wreck on stage in September, it was decided that we will disband after our final gig in November. It is hard to get fired up for practice a few hours a day when you have nowhere to play, and no one to play with. What I need to do is learn how to look at this part of my life with eyes of faith: I will have a place to play, when God sees I am ready. Until then, Ron, wax on, wax off...
  

• For the counseling, I need to go back over my old lectures and restructure them for what may be a more biblical oriented presentation. I may also want to look into some of the continuing education courses offered through the usual state sanctioned counseling professional organizations. I may very well have some freedom with my counseling methods at City Union Mission, or AA meetings, but I don't want effective counseling methods to be lost in a fog of my own opinions or enthusiasm.

• For writing, it appears as though my fingers are still typing. This whole day has been really weird. That I would spend a few hours banging away on my keyboard was not planned. Typing anything I guess will be it's own sort of training exercise. The fun part is I never know what I will type next. Cucumbers and Monkeys. See what I mean?  Ever the perfectionist, I have added a word here and there, taken out others, fixed misspelled words, and 24 hours later, I haven't stopped typing for very long.
  

It is my best guess, or rather a peaceful impression upon my heart, that when I am ready, God will open new doors, and provide for my needs through one or more of these gifts. To those who have partnered with God to make my continuing journey possible, I can only say that God must have one heck of a reward in store for you. On my own, I certainly could never repay the generosity bestowed upon me.


To you, gentle reader, I leave you with this thought to close my first official blog:

• Are you doing what you love? Do you have time? Can you make time? Have you come alive?
  

The journey continues...

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