Oh woe is me
I feel so sadly for you
in time
bound to lose your mind
live on borrowed time
take the wind right out of your sail...
Seasons of Wither, Aerosmith
A new creation in Christ...
"I found it." I remember way back in the day when that phrase was seen on billboards all over town. Well, I certainly found it, or found Him. My first days of Christianity were straight out of the 2nd Chapter of Acts. Filled with the Spirit, I began a new life. It was February 1983, and I was all of 19 years old.
First thing I did was quit, well, everything. I left my cigarettes in the trash at the 'counselors' house. Drugs and alcohol were out, too; I did not have a drink or drug for about a year. The power of the Spirit was overwhelming, and I was not about to do anything to spoil it. Besides, I was a "Christian" now, and Christians aren't supposed to do things like smoking and drinking. Thus began my new life. Jesus had made me a brand new man, changed me completely. Or so I thought.
The first few days were quite amazing. Others could feel the "power" pouring off of me. When I took the hands of a friend and told them how much Jesus loved them, they could feel energy of God's Holy Spirit surge through my hands. More than one person shrunk back with what was almost like a look of fear, because a mere mortal man cannot make that kind of power. My Mom felt it, too. It was a glorious time, and it lasted all of about three days. When the glow of the Spirit subsided, I was left to a life of my own faith.
I began to attend church on my own for the first time. I had been to church a few times as a kid, but it was not by choice. Now, I was eager to learn, and hungry for the power of the Spirit that I once felt. I listened to Christian music instead of the worldly stuff I grew up with. Stryper (christian hard rock band) came out with their first album in the fall of 1983, which was a great relief because they were actually a hard rock band, not soft wimpy band like so many of the Christian artists I was listening to. I also practiced my drums, but I did not dream of being a star anymore. It was during this time of church and 'Jesus music' that I was inspired by three key scriptures:
Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
John 3:8
The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.
Matthew 4:19
"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men."
Inspired, yes. But I was also very naive, confused, and eventually found myself trying to be a Christian based on my own perception and my own strength. My devotion to studying scripture was matched only by the fervor of my college education, where I was pulling very close to straight A's. I went to church two or three times a week, and I watched those TV preachers of the 80s. I was going to be the best darned Christian ever, and God was going to give me the perfect girlfriend.
Wait a minute. A girlfriend? Yes, this is where the train started coming off the tracks. I didn't understand it at the time, but while I danced along thinking I was all brand new, time wore me down, and revealed that underneath the smiling born again christian was a body of flesh. I had hunger, desire, even lust, just like everyone else. The confusion in me was unbearable. I am sure Satan was happy to intensify my confusion, too. My walk with the Lord turned into a crawl, akin to the poor guy dragging himself across the desert with no water. I still went to church, but only because I thought that is what Christians had to do, not because I wanted the fellowship. Looking back, I never really plugged into the Body of Christ. I was "Super Christian", a spiritual Lone Ranger. My Christian life was not going to last long. My crash and burn would be the fall of the ages. The prodigal son would have been impressed.
The scriptures inspired me, but I really didn't know how to follow Christ, or be led by the Spirit. Looking back makes me feel sad, remembering how lonely I felt, even though I knew God was with me. The scriptures make more sense to me now, but it took 25 years before I could "walk the walk". As 1983 came to a close, I found that I was profoundly moved by, and frustrated by, something that Paul wrote:
Romans 7:15
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
All is quiet on New Year's Day
A world in white gets underway
I want to be with you
Be with you night and day
Nothing changes on New Year's Day
A world in white gets underway
I want to be with you
Be with you night and day
Nothing changes on New Year's Day
New Year's Day, U2
Torn by the war between my spirit and my flesh, I stumbled into the new year. I remember listening to that U2 song as the New Year began. Alone at midnight, desperate to be filled by God, but empty. Hungry to feed the flesh, but denying myself in a manner like some religious sadomasochist. I knew God was real, and that Jesus was the only love that I would ever need. But I also knew that my faith had degenerated into a man made religious mess, instead of a life moved by God's Spirit. I hated the man I had become.
Frustrated, angry, sad, I would pray again. But this prayer would be far different than my prayer of longing of the year before. It went something like this:
Dear God,
I love you, I know you are there. I long to fly with You on wings like eagles, but I don't know how to be moved by the Spirit. I have tried my best, but all of my efforts have led me to a life of cold religion. I don't know myself anymore. I can't live like this. So I am going to go back to a life that I recognize, a life I understand, even though it is just a life of sin. I beg of you, please, if you can tell me what I did wrong, how I missed the spiritual life, please give me ears to hear. I still believe in Jesus. Show me how to live, and I will follow. Till then, you know where to find me... Amen...
And with that prayer, my church life was over. God let me go, too. If you listen closely, you can hear the faint echo of Satan's laughter. His deceptions to steer me away from the Spirit had, at least for the moment, succeeded. When the new school semester started in January of 1984, I was determined to be happy and free, and do all the things that religion had prevented me from doing. I was also determined to feed my flesh, too. It had been so long. I decended into a life of darkness and madness, insanity and heartbreak. My knowledge of the hidden spiritual world might have allowed me to find great power and control, even in a life of sin.
Too bad I was a drug addict and an alcoholic, and would have no control over my own desires...
With intellect as my guide, and lust as my fuel, the animal in me began to feed once again. Try as I might, I could not get Jesus out of my rear-view mirror. Like Jonah running from God's call, I would live in the belly of a whale called "Sin" for another 13 years...
Chapter 7, coming soon to The Eye of the Storm...
The Journey Continues...
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