CHAPTER 5
Like waking up from the longest dream
How real it seemed
Until Your love broke through
I was lost in a fantasy
That blinded me
Until Your love broke through
Love Broke Through, Phil Keaggy
Careful what you pray for...
So where did we leave off? I was in a drug treatment program, and Jesus was gently knocking at the door to my heart. As it turned out, I completed the program successfully, and headed home to live a clean healthy life. Yeah, as if a 19 year old knew how to live a healthy life. I did what any normal 19 year old would do to build a new life: I got a job (for money), and I got a girlfriend (for sex). Yes, that is all I need for the good life, money and sex. I had it all figured out. Since I was not doing drugs or drinking, my success was guaranteed, right?
I still practiced my drums, but I did not play anywhere. I just dreamed. I went to concerts throughout 1982 like always (minus the drugs), and continued learning new drum tricks from the professionals. I dreamed and practiced, but I did nothing to actually chase my dreams of stardom. Being a star to my girlfriend was all that mattered now. She loved me, and she loved watching me play. We were happy together. It was all just perfect...
Sort of...
I was sober, but I wasn't growing, changing, or doing anything that would lead to maturity. I was just a kid that had a girl to play with, and oh how I loved playing with her. It just so happened that this girl had "religious" parents that did not approve of me. Looking back, I am sure that they prayed a lot for their daughter, and me. As the year came to a close, the happy boyfriend / girlfriend relationship started to unravel due to our youth and instability. As our relationship unraveled, so did my sobriety. The new year began with a thud, followed by renewed hope, and then even more confusion.
Lost and aimless, a familiar face would step in to try to help me find a good path for my life. My dad lovingly helped me get a place to live, and paid my tuition for my first semester in college. The sting of losing my girlfriend began to subside, and I happily devoted my energy to school. I think in some ways I was happy, but as we head to the core of my tale, I am here to tell you that I was not happy. I was hungry, but I didn't know what I was hungry for. Driven by a hunger that I did not understand, I would do something that I had never done before in my life...
Dear God...
I can remember it like it was yesterday. It must have been after midnight. At the age of 19, I dropped to my knees, and said my very first honest to goodness prayer. Have you ever walked into a dark room or an empty building, and called out, "Is anyone here?" There is that moment of anticipation, of not knowing whether you are alone or not. That feeling of curiosity was overwhelming. I was trying to talk to someone without knowing if anyone was listening. My little prayer went something like this:
Dear God, there is something missing in my life, but I don't know what it is. I have a life and I have some stuff, but there is still a big empty hole in me. If you are out there, who are you? And what is it that is missing in my life?
That is paraphrased, but that was the core of the prayer. I suddenly found myself engaged in a search for meaning in my life, something I don't think I had ever done before. The most startling aspect of this story was God's quick answer.
The following morning found me sitting in a very large and very empty cafeteria. I was sipping a cup of coffee, and mulling over what I had, and what I had lost. Casually, a guy wandered up to me, and in this big empty cafeteria he asked me, "Can I sit here?". My first thought was, "Are you kidding me? You could sit anywhere. Why here?". My mouth said, "Sure, have a seat." He said, "You look a little down. What is going on?" For some reason, even though he was a stranger, I let it all out. I said, "The girlfriend this and the drugs that and I am lost and confused and lonely and I don't know." And this guy, who I have known for about 2 minutes said, "I don't know the answers to your problems, but I know who does have the answers: JESUS..."
And the Spirit of God dropped on me like the green slime on a Nickelodeon game show; it felt like warm honey hit the top of my head and oozed its way all through me from top to bottom. Then the Spirit spoke to my heart, "Remember what you asked last night? Who am I? I am Jesus..." The shock value was off the charts. Not only had I never prayed before, but God answered my first prayer. Then He touched me, from the inside out, something no human could possible do.
It is safe to say that I was impressed. I was a believer now, but still at least one step away from sealing the deal. I discovered quickly that believing was not enough. As my stress level grew, as my girlfriend slipped further away, as the drugs persisted in my life, my desperation grew. I sort of forgot about my experience with God, if you can believe that. So I looked to my fellow man to aid me in my time of trouble.
Looking back, it is ironic that my now ex-girlfriend's parents would offer to help. They sent me to a friend of theirs, someone I thought they said was a "counselor". I went to this person's house to talk about the problems in my life, and hopefully find some answers. It was February 13, 1983. I was 19. This guy was nice enough I guess. I poured out my heart, unloaded all my troubles. But for a counselor, he was a little strange. When I talked about my drug problems, he talked about Jesus. When I talked about losing my girlfriend, he talked about how much Jesus loved me. When I talked about how I hurt, how confused I was, he told me that Christ died for me. He wasn't helping me with my problems very much, some counselor he turned out to be. All he talked about was religion.
Then he asked me if I would like to pray. Sure. What have I got to lose. I quickly discovered that I was praying a whole new prayer, something more than my first prayer. I believed it with all my heart, or I would not have spoken the words. You probably know some form of this prayer...
Heavenly Father, I come to you in Jesus Name.
Yeah, I do God. You answered that other prayer.
I am a sinner.
No doubt about that one, I have done lots of bad things.
Thank you for sending Jesus to die for my sins on the cross.
This counselor guy said that you did that for me, so I will believe him.
I believe that Christ was raised from the dead.
This guy said you did that, too, so okay.
Please forgive me all my sins.
Please...
Please come into my heart.
Boom! He did...
It was here that God did something that forever seared my memory. He came INTO my heart. In hindsight, I believe it must have been the entrance of the Holy Spirit. As I was praying, in my mind's eye I saw the mushroom cloud of a nuclear explosion. It started in my heart, and expanded outward. I could feel it. It slowly worked it's way out until my entire body was filled with the sensation. I felt warm, tingly, alive. I felt like I could literally float out of my chair. It was amazing. Then the "veil" that kept me from the world of the spirit, from knowing Him, was lifted. I could feel that, too. My mind became acutely aware of Jesus. My heart, recognizing Him, said something like "Oh! Hi! Jesus!" This was quickly followed by the thought, "Wait a minute! You died almost 2000 years ago! It can't be! Oh my God! Raised from the dead?! WHOA!!!"
No wonder I still remember the date. God really blew me away. So powerful, so gentle, so loving, so personal. Revelation! He was not messing around with me at all. I was forever His, and He was forever mine. How could I ever walk away from that?
Faith becomes religion, then religion becomes confusion. A new life had begun, a new song would be sung. But it would take two decades before I would learn how to walk in the Light.
Chapter 6, coming soon to The Eye of the Storm...
The Journey Continues...
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