With a Song in My Heart - Chapter 8

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime.
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life...
Coming Back to Life, Pink Floyd

It started on a random day, January 1997...

After my release from jail, I lived on friend's couches, and survived the streets. That month seemed like it lasted a year.  I had literally lost everything: family, home, job.  I had nothing, I had nowhere to go, and I had no reason to believe that anything good would ever happen again.  But I discovered something that was not lost, and this surprise discovery would propel me forward in my life.

I had gotten food from a church that day, and was milling about the neighborhood. "The Tenderloin" in San Francisco is the part of town where lost people live out their broken lives.  It is not a pretty place to be.  I was watching the people go by, and most of them had something in common: their eyes were dead.  It appeared as though they had given up all hope.  As I watched folks walk by, I realized that while I was in the same situation as many of these people, I still had hope!  Rather remarkable that I hadn't given up, considering a lifetime of failures. I am convinced that this hope I had was a gift from God.  As I stood there, pondering the my return to drug & alcohol rehab (one more time), I prayed:

"God, I won't ask for material possessions, and I won't worry if I get my kids back, or get my wife back.  If I could ask one thing of You, it is this:  Just once in my life I would like to wake up one morning and be glad to be 'me'..."

I finally realized that I had spent a lifetime trying to be something I was not, and that I was always reaching for things that could never satisfy.  Starting right there in the streets of San Francisco, I began a journey looking for my true self.  God was kind enough to light the way.  My last night on the streets, I drank beer all night at the City Shelter.  I knew those would be my last drinks...

February 26, 1997.  Day One at the Treatment Center.

I arrived at the Redwood Center pumped up, ready to get started.  While I was confident in some ways, I had to remind myself that if I knew so much about treatment, I wouldn't be back in it again.  Before the day was out, I learned a couple things that rocked my world, things that started a miracle in motion that persists to this day.

During intake process, the guy doing the paperwork noticed my so called confidence (arrogance).  Trying to get me to settle down, he offered his version of the word "humility":  "Humility is knowing ones place, and taking it".  He wrote it down, and I kept that paper for years.  I took the message to heart, too, because I don't think I ever knew what my place was in any part of this life.  I really wanted to know my place in life.  I was inspired by the new information; my search was getting some direction right away.  I got checked into the Center, ate a couple meals, and that night I went to an AA meeting.

God was waiting for me at the meeting...

I vaguely remember that at the moment God spoke, the speaker at the meeting was talking about change.  I was interested in what the speaker was saying, because I knew that change was imperative in my quest for a better life.  What I did not expect was God answering a 13 year old prayer.  I will never forget that moment.  I mentioned the prayer in an earlier chapter, but I'll repeat part of it here so that you can see how God answered my question...

1984:  "...I beg of you, please, if you can tell me what I did wrong, why I kept sinning, and why I could not live a spiritual life, please give me ears to hear..."

1997:  God said, "Do you remember what you asked me those many years ago?  The reason you couldn't 'live a spiritual life' is because you don't have a shred of Humility, and you were not willing to Change.  Would you like to change now?"


Oh!  How I wept (quietly of course).  I was still at the AA Meeting.  I answered God with a very heartfelt "Yes".

Then God continued...

"Here is what we'll do.  I will take your addiction to alcohol and drugs, and you deal with the rest..."

And just like that, I was delivered from one of the worst issues of my life.  I didn't feel anything, but I knew.  The bondage to alcohol and drugs I had endured for 20 years was completely broken, I was truly free.  Quite an end to my first day of treatment.

It should be noted that I have not desired a drink or a drug since. Even in the worst of times, I have not experienced any desire to alter my thoughts or emotions with chemicals.  Praise be to God!  He is still in the healing business.  14 years sober as of February 2011...

Now, God did say I would have to deal with "the rest".  Specifics from Him as to what "the rest" meant would have been nice.  "The rest" as it turned out was a lifetime of issues, many of which persist to this day.  Counselors addressed me more than once about what is best described as my "know-it-all" attitude.  Anger and a sharp tongue almost got me kicked out of treatment more than once.  My (soon to be X) wife had divorce papers delivered to me at the treatment center before the end of my first month of sobriety. It turns out "the rest" has been a marvelous collection of ups & downs, good & bad, and life & death.  Never a dull moment for 14+ years.

Before I wrap this up, a few more comments on this thing called change.  The need for change is persistent, and takes many forms.  I say this because in my early days of faith, I thought Jesus was supposed to change me instantly.  We are "a new creation in Christ", right?  Yes, and no.  There are many things Jesus can and will do.  But apparently there are things we have to do as well, something I didn't understand in my youth.  I never knew I had to change, never learned how to change, therefore I stayed stuck for the first 33 years of my life.  In 1984 after my first year of faith, I gave up on God because He didn't change me like I thought He was supposed to.  I think I understand change better now in 2011, yet I still am still learning what I have to do, and what I have to surrender to Him so that He can do it.  The serenity prayer says it all, the crux of our human existence:

God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot Change,
Courage to Change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference...

It seems that Wisdom is rather important.  I still ask for that as my searching continues.  Serenity, fill 'er up.  Courage, I'll take a helping of that, too.  But after living a lifetime as if "I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't", Wisdom to know the difference is worth more than gold.


Treatment was just getting started (I don't think it ever stops).  I would continue my program in another facility in the city.  Family would become a part of my life again, and a whole host of new friends would join the parade.  And for the first time in over a decade, the Music would return...

Chapter 9, coming soon to The Eye of The Storm...


The Journey Continues...

...

With a Song in My Heart - Chapter 7

Waiting for the feeling to subside,
Paranoid, I melt into myself.
They say I'm to reach inside and find
the broken part of my machinery.
Psychoanalyze the chapters
on the path to my darkest day.
Searching for the answers,
all I see is damage through the haze...
Damaged, Queensryche

At this point in our tale, to stay on the course, I'll need to do what is more like an outline of events. The point of my tale was to center around two things: God, and Music. Starting in 1984, my life would run way off course. God would become nothing more than an afterthought, and my beloved music was put on the shelf. Music did however still have a huge impact on my life, and more than once music diverted my attention to God, even if only for a moment.

After the last prayer, I returned to school. I started where I left off, yet my new life without God would alter my priorities. It could not have been more than a few weeks before I found a nice girlfriend to live with (and have sex with of course). Too bad she wasn't a fan of drugs and alcohol. By June of 1984, she was gone, I dropped out of school, and my addictions were worse than before.

My life as a vagabond was now in full swing. Jobs were only for money, not for any desired career path. Home was wherever I could find it, sometimes with roommates, sometimes an apartment with Dad's help (or a girlfriend's help). Friends were only people I partied with, instead of meaningful relationships. I knew nothing of love with my girlfriends, but I was always happy to get laid (and that wasn't very often).

If there was any bright spot in my life, it was music. The party frequently went to a concert, where I continued to see my favorite bands. My dreams of playing my own music had died though. I didn't think I would ever get to play again. The joy of music also bought the sorrow of knowing I could play, but didn't play. "To be a rock, and not to roll" as Led Zeppelin put it. The music burned my soul with every note, the agony and the ecstasy.

In 1986 I met Lisa, and began a tumultuous relationship with her. Sex and drugs were what brought us together, and made the relationship feel good sometimes. We married in 1988 in spite of warnings from friends and even my former pastor. Sarah was born in 1990, David in 1992. My drug and alcohol use never subsided completely, and eventually wrecked the family once and for all. We separated in 1996 and divorced in 1997. If I were to write out the details of our dysfunctional life together, I could fill a library. Needless to say I was not a good husband and father, selfish and angry. I shall leave Lisa's issues aside, as they are for her to sort out.

There are a few God stories in that part of my life worth noting. My life was not all bad, and God was present, even when I didn't know it, or want Him there:

- Seemed as though every time I would get to a place where I had ingested enough drugs and alcohol to forget Jesus ever existed, Stryper would pop up on MTV. They were the only Christian band to ever cross over into mainstream secular media at the time. Needless to say I was not pleased to be reminded that God loved me. God used music to poke me, often, even in the darkest times.

- Lisa and another friend helped me to buy a drum set. I rarely had a chance to practice (apartment life), and had no one to play with. The drums were eventually sold after Lisa and I separated. We tried to get me jammin' again, though...

- At a concert, heavily drugged, I had a vision of two possible futures. In one, I was a huge star. I was the embodiment of rock and roll, the one and only Rockin' Ronnie. Yet as I pondered this future, the Holy Spirit spoke to me, "What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet loses his own soul..." In the other vision, I was with family, children, Thanksgiving. Lisa and our children were there (we were not married nor did we have kids at this time). Fearful of losing my soul (or dying), I settled down with Lisa. About 5 years later, the vision of Thanksgiving with our kids came true, just as I had seen it...

- Lisa was Jewish, I was the fallen Christian. We never argued about religion, yet had some great conversations. I will never forget the day Lisa came out of the room crying after reading Isaiah 53, saying "Oh my God! The Messiah is Jesus!" We did go to church for a short time, but our faith never became anything other than a passing fad. Drugs and dysfunction were the cornerstone of our life together. God still left His mark, though...


There are too many stories to tell about jail, homelessness, a few failed attempts at drug treatment. We'd be here all day. Sometimes I felt as if I would have been better off if I had never become a Christian. "Ignorance is bliss." But God pursues us, He loves us, He truly wants us with Him, now and always. His gift of faith was too deeply embedded in me to ever let me get too far away from Him. It is a shame that during my time away from God, I wrecked every possible part of my life and my relationships: Family, friends, jobs, homes, finances, legal. No part of my life was spared from destruction.

Now separated from the only family I new over the last ten years, I was more lost than ever. After spending some time in jail from December 1996 to January 1997, I would hit the streets again. But this time I would seek to make a change that would ensure I would never hurt myself or others ever again.

Defeated and broken, yet with a hope the God could only give, I would look for help in a way I had never done before. I had nothing but the clothes on my back when I started my search, but before the year was out, I would finally get a life...

Chapter 8, coming soon to The Eye of the Storm...


The Journey Continues... 

...

With a Song in My Heart - Chapter 6

Oh woe is me

I feel so sadly for you 

in time 

bound to lose your mind 

live on borrowed time 

take the wind right out of your sail...

Seasons of Wither, Aerosmith 

A new creation in Christ...

"I found it." I remember way back in the day when that phrase was seen on billboards all over town. Well, I certainly found it, or found Him.  My first days of Christianity were straight out of the 2nd Chapter of Acts.  Filled with the Spirit, I began a new life.  It was February 1983, and I was all of 19 years old. 

First thing I did was quit, well, everything.  I left my cigarettes in the trash at the 'counselors' house.  Drugs and alcohol were out, too; I did not have a drink or drug for about a year.  The power of the Spirit was overwhelming, and I was not about to do anything to spoil it.  Besides, I was a "Christian" now, and Christians aren't supposed to do things like smoking and drinking.  Thus began my new life.  Jesus had made me a brand new man, changed me completely.  Or so I thought.

The first few days were quite amazing.  Others could feel the "power" pouring off of me.  When I took the hands of a friend and told them how much Jesus loved them, they could feel energy of God's Holy Spirit surge through my hands.  More than one person shrunk back with what was almost like a look of fear, because a mere mortal man cannot make that kind of power.  My Mom felt it, too.  It was a glorious time, and it lasted all of about three days.  When the glow of the Spirit subsided, I was left to a life of my own faith.

I began to attend church on my own for the first time.  I had been to church a few times as a kid, but it was not by choice.  Now, I was eager to learn, and hungry for the power of the Spirit that I once felt.  I listened to Christian music instead of the worldly stuff I grew up with.  Stryper (christian hard rock band) came out with their first album in the fall of 1983, which was a great relief because they were actually a hard rock band, not soft wimpy band like so many of the Christian artists I was listening to.  I also practiced my drums, but I did not dream of being a star anymore.  It was during this time of church and 'Jesus music' that I was inspired by three key scriptures:

Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the Lord
      Shall renew their strength;
      They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
      They shall run and not be weary,
      They shall walk and not faint.

John 3:8
The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.

Matthew 4:19
"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men."

Inspired, yes.  But I was also very naive, confused, and eventually found myself trying to be a Christian based on my own perception and my own strength.  My devotion to studying scripture was matched only by the fervor of my college education, where I was pulling very close to straight A's.  I went to church two or three times a week, and I watched those TV preachers of the 80s.  I was going to be the best darned Christian ever, and God was going to give me the perfect girlfriend.

Wait a minute.  A girlfriend?  Yes, this is where the train started coming off the tracks.  I didn't understand it at the time, but while I danced along thinking I was all brand new, time wore me down, and revealed that underneath the smiling born again christian was a body of flesh.  I had hunger, desire, even lust, just like everyone else.  The confusion in me was unbearable.  I am sure Satan was happy to intensify my confusion, too.  My walk with the Lord turned into a crawl, akin to the poor guy dragging himself across the desert with no water.  I still went to church, but only because I thought that is what Christians had to do, not because I wanted the fellowship.  Looking back, I never really plugged into the Body of Christ.  I was "Super Christian", a spiritual Lone Ranger.  My Christian life was not going to last long.  My crash and burn would be the fall of the ages.  The prodigal son would have been impressed.

The scriptures inspired me, but I really didn't know how to follow Christ, or be led by the Spirit.  Looking back makes me feel sad, remembering how lonely I felt, even though I knew God was with me.  The scriptures make more sense to me now, but it took 25 years before I could "walk the walk".  As 1983 came to a close, I found that I was profoundly moved by, and frustrated by, something that Paul wrote:

Romans 7:15
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.

All is quiet on New Year's Day
A world in white gets underway
I want to be with you
Be with you night and day
Nothing changes on New Year's Day

New Year's Day, U2

Torn by the war between my spirit and my flesh, I stumbled into the new year.  I remember listening to that U2 song as the New Year began.  Alone at midnight, desperate to be filled by God, but empty.  Hungry to feed the flesh, but denying myself in a manner like some religious sadomasochist.  I knew God was real, and that Jesus was the only love that I would ever need.  But I also knew that my faith had degenerated into a man made religious mess, instead of a life moved by God's Spirit.  I hated the man I had become. 

Frustrated, angry, sad, I would pray again.  But this prayer would be far different than my prayer of longing of the year before.  It went something like this:

Dear God,

I love you, I know you are there.  I long to fly with You on wings like eagles, but I don't know how to be moved by the Spirit.  I have tried my best, but all of my efforts have led me to a life of cold religion.  I don't know myself anymore.  I can't live like this.  So I am going to go back to a life that I recognize, a life I understand, even though it is just a life of sin.  I beg of you, please, if you can tell me what I did wrong, how I missed the spiritual life, please give me ears to hear.  I still believe in Jesus.  Show me how to live, and I will follow.  Till then, you know where to find me...  Amen...

And with that prayer, my church life was over.  God let me go, too.  If you listen closely, you can hear the faint echo of Satan's laughter.  His deceptions to steer me away from the Spirit had, at least for the moment, succeeded.  When the new school semester started in January of 1984, I was determined to be happy and free, and do all the things that religion had prevented me from doing.  I was also determined to feed my flesh, too.  It had been so long.  I decended into a life of darkness and madness, insanity and heartbreak.  My knowledge of the hidden spiritual world might have allowed me to find great power and control, even in a life of sin.

Too bad I was a drug addict and an alcoholic, and would have no control over my own desires...

With intellect as my guide, and lust as my fuel, the animal in me began to feed once again.  Try as I might, I could not get Jesus out of my rear-view mirror.  Like Jonah running from God's call, I would live in the belly of a whale called "Sin" for another 13 years...

Chapter 7, coming soon to The Eye of the Storm...


The Journey Continues...

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